i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize