Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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