I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
