Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
