Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
