Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
