we're chasing vodka with high fives
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize