I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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