dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
