so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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