i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
