so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
