Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
