I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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