Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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