I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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