When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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