I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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