worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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