Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
