On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
