you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
