Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
