yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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