i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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