it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
