im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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