im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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