they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
