Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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