My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
