I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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