she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
