i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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