drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
