I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i believe in u and ur pee
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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