put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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