true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
