Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
