I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
