I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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