also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Say something about gay babies.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
