i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
