So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
