i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
