Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
