I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
