cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
