she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
