On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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