hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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