You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
