The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
