Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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