i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
