I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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