like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
