I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
