The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
