we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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