I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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