My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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