honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
